Thursday, July 3, 2014

Behind the Colorful Mask

WARNING: the following post deals with excessive (or maybe not) depressing emotions and insights that may temporarily put you on a dull mood. Do not read if you are not really into reading deep, depressing insights. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Mask.
A mask is used to hide our faces so that we will not be seen or noticed. It is used to cover up things that we do not want many people to see. Admit it or not, we all wear a particular mask in order to hide the things that we would  not want others to see, such as our imperfections, our true emotions, our soul, or maybe a pimple on our faces (hahaha just kidding), but we all hide something that we do not normally let other people see.

I wear a mask ALL THE TIME. I wear a super fierce mask when I'm with people I do not know,  a bubbly mask with people I am really closed with, a colorful mask when I'm feeling friendly towards somebody, and a whoooole bunch of masks depending on the situation at hand. But why do I wear a mask? What am I hiding from people? Well, my dearest (non-existent) readers, this treacherous thing that I am hiding from from my friends, even most of my closest friends, and family is this common ball of sh*tness called, insecurities and with insecurities, comes in depression. So yeah, My name's Ann Ong, and I have a slight case of depression (or I think I do...? you be the judge)

I guess having insecurities is a normal thing (when you are a teenager and puberty just started kicking in), but when you are in your late teens and you are somewhat old enough to speak your mind out and believe in what you want to believe, I don't think there's an excuse for insecurities.  I am not saying that older people can not have insecurities, it's an inevitable thing. But what I am trying to say is that having excessive insecurities about oneself isn't really much entertained once you are in that mental age of maturity. My friend once told me, when he was ranting about a friend of ours, just about my age, having shit loads of insecurities as well, "kids and pre teens are the only ones that get sh*tloads
of insecurities. Can't she just be satisfied with what she has and start living her damn life?" At that time, I agreed with what he said. I mean, the mature thing to do is accept  what was given to you and utilize that in order for you to maximize your capabilities. But booooy was I wrong. Once insecurities step in, it's like a vacuum cleaner, sucking in all the light and spark that you once had.

At first, I got over those episodes when my insecurities get me, but it just continues on getting in to me, blocking every light, every spark , every color that I have, leaving me with doubts about love and dark nights filled with endless sobbing. I normally tell myself that I can get thought it, that I have a God whose love is MORE powerful than the devil that eating my light. At times, I manage to get through it, but at times I don't. Sometimes, I feel really lucky that I am surrounded with the best people in the entire world, but often times, I feel unloved, uncared for, and alone. I feel like no one really understands me, and that no one really cares for me. It's as if like they only love and care for me just because they are obligated to do so.

At times I feel like a nobody in this world, like I don't even exist . There are instances where I feel that I'm a burden to everybody, that instead of making people happy, I make them feel worse. There are just A LOOOOOOT of bad sh*t going on that I don't really want to elaborate. Don't get me wrong, I guess I'm not yet in that stage where I commit s------. Though I have thought about it a couple of times, but I guess I just couldn't do it.

Well, I guess that goes for my ranting. I actually feel a lot better getting this out of my chest. I hope you guys leave a comment below, maybe to shed some light and stuff, that would be appreciated. :)

Thank you for reading! :)

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